When the Same Old Heart Battles Rage and We’re Never Satisfied

I am sitting here in quiet again, staring out the bay window at the fat, fluffy flakes falling steadily, covering limb and lawn on this last day of winter.

The list is long, and motivation is short. Watching the finches and friends happily peck and

munch amid the flakes is better than any Oscar awarded movie, and far more captivating than tackling any of the activities on my long list. This is the fifth day off from school this year due to weather, I think. I don’t really know. I try not to count, because when I do, all I feel is the oppressive burden of sadness of my summer days slipping away, suffocating under the demands of current and coming school year. With so many snow days, vacation days, and holidays, I am tricked into believing I have already retired, or at least slipped on my preferred life of writing and home-based ministry and fulfillment. Then tomorrow comes, and I must help the children (and myself) find the rhythm of learning again, and push on (in a crazed, ever-disrupted pace) through the lessons, and projects, and events, and assessments to the end. Sometimes the feeling of suffocation is unbearable, as though I will never get to live my true life—fulfill my true purpose—because I am stuck in the demands of now, and distracted so much by work that I miss what is really important.

 

And I cringe. Why haven’t I conquered this resisting, and maybe ungrateful, heart?

Is it that I am like the Israelites, whiny and discontent in the midst of God’s victorious and liberating care? I have so much, like them. Through my and Scott’s work, our children have been raised and more than minimally provided for. There have been innumerable material blessings and opportunities. I had the invaluable blessing of staying at home for 10 years while my children were young and not in school. We have health and dental insurance. We’ve been able to share our home, our food, our cars, our money. Our children are receiving a debt-free starting block for life in higher education. Our lives run over like honey, dripping with evidence of God’s care and provision. In it all, there have been many moments of fun and respite.

But do you want to know the truth? Here it is, true confession (pardon me while my dark

 

underside splatters in your space for a bit):

I think that I am never satisfied. Ouch. Honest reflection is painful. My gut reaction is to justify. I have good reasons to feel as I do. I know what I would be able to accomplish if my circumstances were changed.

I am ashamed when I list the blessings and remember how many people on this planet don’t have even an iota of what I have in opportunity and material blessings.

I know that I grew up in a home where my mom never worked, and Dad was blessed with talent in a well-paying job and financial acumen that managed our finances responsibly. I grew up in a time where many wives stayed home. I see a handful of women in our church family that still have this privilege (though the vast majority do not).

All of this colors my perception of what I believe my role should be.

The truth of the matter is, my perception doesn’t really matter here. I know I am blessing my husband and family by continuing to work in the job that I do for a bit more. It was clear to me that God’s hand was moving in my life when I was hired. I need to remember

 

that. God has placed me here, for now, and has not seen fit to move me. I need to trust that.

My husband is smart, and responsible, and working very hard, despite constant discouragement. I know my working is being the helpmeet he needs.

I know my working is blessing my children, and blessing others with whom we share.

My only recourse, then, while I strain to look at perhaps a shift in life, is to run to God’s arms and ask Him to change my heart and keep it from striving. I ask Him for forgiveness, for a heart that is more accepting of circumstance and His timing.

The blessing is, I know that it is already granted, with deep understanding of my needs, my faults, and my future. Nobody knows me as well as He does. Nobody else sees my past,

present and future all at once. Nobody else has the capacity to move me in my life to the exactly right place and circumstance.

Some heart battles are constant. Just when you think you can leave the battlefield, an unexpected wave rekindles the fight. What makes our battle different is that we can always take shelter in the arms of the Father, who fights the battle with us. And always wins.

 

For today, while the smoldering fires of discontent and impatience for change flare up and burn, I will run for safety and renewal (and a definite attitude adjustment!) to the Great Physician that will heals our singed spirits. I run to Him for encouragement, and equipping of mind and heart. And I am satisfied.

 

When a Tiny Crack of Opportunity Opens

Recently, I was reading a Nigerian folk tale with my top reading group.  It’s called “It’s all the Fault of Adam.” A short summary would be that our main character, Iyapo, is a poor woodcutter, who works hard all day long, cutting, hauling, and selling wood. During his labor, he cries out: ‘It’s all the fault of Adam.’”  Then, he meets a wealthy benefactor who takes him into his palace as a son, and he wants for nothing. He has everything at his disposal with the exception of one thing…he is denied entry to the room with the green door. Daily he walks the hallways in idleness, his curiosity building. His feet seem to lead him to the room with the green door by themselves. Eventually, he gives in to his curiosity and enters the room, betraying his benefactor’s trust. Naturally, he tries to hide his deed, then blames it on Adam, is found out, is removed from the home of abundance and returned to  life in the village cutting wood.

Sound familiar?

In order to truly understand this tale, and its moral, the reader needs to understand the beginning—who Adam is, and why the woodcutter blames him.

So I sat there, with seven mostly sweet, but several challenging, eight and nine-year-olds, and wondered: How can I open a different door for them, during a rare moment of full attention? (While monitoring the other thirteen intermittently focused and productive cherubs, mind you.) How can I pluck these few seconds, ripe for teaching what really matters, out from the confines and too-busy-to-slow-down-and-think public school day? What can I say, or do, that will reveal that which is most important of anyone’s education, what will be enough, but not too much?

The first rule of thumb of any teacher: Know your audience.

Two girls and a boy who are always sweet, responsible–one of their mothers is my room mom and I think I remember a Christian church reference in our conversations. One of the girls is Korean-American, celebrates Christmas, but not sure what else.

Two girls of Indian heritage and Hindu background, though, of course, celebrates the gift-giving of Christmas. One is quiet (barely talks above a whisper), with a good mind and when not influenced by the other, a good worker. The other is a complete mystery to me: quite bright, completely unmotivated, and barely works, but with a usually even, though disengaged, disposition in school.

One boy, whose daily existence is a stormy struggle for control over his body, his mouth, his mind and his need to have total control over everything. Yes, I stare him down almost daily, and duck when he throws things. He’s a mess and his sweet openness is revealed only sporadically. He, of course, celebrates the great unifier: Christmas.

Another boy: Crazy, sweet, stubborn, not-in-control of his body either, everything’s for a laugh and loves his big ATV toys.

So I asked them what THEY knew about Adam…and several gave tentative answers that revealed that he was the first person on earth. Yay! That’s a starting point, I thought, and hurrah for at least that much being taught at home.

Then one sweet girl asked ME: Do you believe that is true?

My only response could be: Absolutely.

Then Crazy Boy says: How do you know it’s true?

Oh, boy, time to end the reading group. We don’t have enough private opportunities to handle THIS question! So what do I say? How much?

What I did say is: That is a question that would take a very long time to answer, and we can’t do that now.

Crash and burn. Fizzle out.

What I WANTED to say: What do YOU think? Ultimately, what do YOU believe? How do you know ANYthing is true? And here is what faith is…

So, lesson learned.

Remember the woman at the well. Meet them where they are.

Ask questions. Matthew 16:13ff  

How do you know anything is true?

Study it, test it, step out on faith.

I am praying for another opportunity. I am praying that I pay attention more for all the tiny cracks of opportunity in the shut doors. That I remember to ask questions back, like Jesus did. And that I will guide the thirsty to dip their buckets into the living well.

When the Must-dos Drag You Through Your Day

I should be finishing the lessons for our April Ladies’ Retreat in Conway. After that, I have a huge list of errands which must be completed by 2:30 so I can make an appointment.

Both good and necessary things.

But I am choosing differently this morning. Yesterday I skipped this time because I woke up much later than I intended or desired. I was behind from the moment my eyes finally stayed open. I had to rush to get ready for a much anticipated blessing time of coffee and sharing with a sweet sister. Again, a good thing.

I skipped this time yesterday and felt it all day long. After the laughter and tears—the sister bonding and knitted of souls, I catapulted myself into my list of to-dos. I spent hours mired in my mother’s paperwork and on the phone, lost in the voice menu jungle of organizations that can’t spare humans to interact with their clientele. All of that created such a feeling of anxiety that I was crabby and frustrated and complaining. All I could see was what I DIDN’T accomplish and what MORE needed to be done and the TIME THAT WAS SLIPPING AWAY. And how do I decide to spend the remaining of my days (the immediate being those left of my precious school vacation, but after that, the real store of days numbered for me)?

Such striving.

“Be still” He says. “Be still and know that I am God.” Cease striving. Psalm 46

“Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28ff

Such peaceful words. Restful words.

Today I vow not to strive. It is Errand Day, my least favorite and most avoided type of day. I am a homebody at heart. I would rather spend the entire day at home, studying and meditating on God’s holy words. Maybe I should be a monk. Really, I am at my most content while writing the things of God, praying, communing.

The reality of my life, of anyone’s life, is that there are intrusive tasks and deadlines that must be managed. If managed well, they bless us with opportunities, material goods, financial relief, strong and whole children, relationships, health. Ministries.

The Rest Jesus calls me to involves a yoke. His yoke is a yoke of learning, of submitting to holy and learned leadership. The rest comes because I am not the one driving, deciding, planning. The burden of knowing what to do and where to go falls on Him. He is the stronger one in this side-by-side relationship. Ahh…I love that Rest blessing. I don’t have to be in charge. (Let me sit back for a moment and enjoy the quiet relief…)

But a yoke also implies work. A farmer doesn’t hook an ox up to a yoke to graze lazily through the fields. He hooks it up with anticipation and deliberation—there is a task to complete. How is it that we rest and work at the same time? I need to understand this today and live it, because yesterday afternoon was just…yucky.

It’s a heart thing. Jesus takes this opportunity to point me to an attribute of His heart. It is gentle and lowly. The rest we find is for our souls. Not our bodies or our time—our souls.

The work that we do, the work of living and managing, can be a work of rest for the soul. How do we do that? Jesus says it is by slipping into the gentle yoke of leadership that He holds out to us. The work becomes His work. Led by Him. Chosen by Him. Accomplished with Him by our sides.

I have been here, typing a way, for some large amount of minutes now.

It’s still Errand Day. All this meditating and pondering God’s truth did not make it go away.

But it does make it easier to face.

I’m getting up now. I am grabbing my list. No, that’s a poor choice of words. It implies hurry and resentment. I will take up my list and let it become Jesus’ list. I will slip into His yoke and let Him guide me through its completion. The car ride will be led by Him. I will sing praises and pray along my way. I will allow the bank tellers, the tax secretary, the store clerks, the septic inspector all see Who it is that leads me today, Who it is that accomplishes these tasks with me.

I will move about my day in Rest with Him.

“For He is our peace…” Ephesians 2:14

Company in the Boat

This morning, God is using Sarah Young’s  Jesus Calling  to mend my heart and strip away the eroding self- and situation-focused perspective…

“I guarantee that you will always have problems in this life, but they must not become your focus.” SY

How difficult it is to shift my focus. Wired as I am, I perseverate on the hurt, the fear, the self-disappointment.

“When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say ‘Help me, Jesus!’ and I will draw you back to Me.  If you have to say that thousands of times daily, don’t be discouraged. I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place.” SY

 Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”  Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him.  “You of little faith,” He said, “why did you doubt?”  And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Mt. 14:28-32

Climb back into the boat with Jesus, and the wind will cease. His Peace and Presence trump the turbulence.

I am wondering, what does it look like, after a rough night, to worship this Man in the boat while He’s sitting on a plank of saturated cedar? How do you worshp while surrounded by creaking and wave-sodden wood, the smell of fish hanging in the air, its stench clinging to the tangle of nets stored in the corners of the vessel that have been  shifted by the tossing of waves? He settles in and brings with His settling His peace and much needed calm. The fourth-watch dawn is either hours away, or just beginning. Exhaustion from a night of restless sleep and wave-watching washes over them. Who hasn’t been there? I’m there, now, and know I have company.

But His hands reaches out, holds me up, casts away my doubt. He climbs into the boat with me.

In all of this: How do you respond to  this human flesh, whose Spirit is God Himself? This is a Man you have seen walking, eating, bathing, praying, teaching, resting, working—all the normal living of humanity, and yet, He’s different. You have witnessed healing and miraculous feeding. What words of praise are sufficient to heave up from your heart and cast upon Him? What gift of acknowledgement and surrender can I offer that is so inadequate to His worth? Who can even think clearly in these moments?

Yet, worship, is what those imperfect and still learning fishermen did. And worship, I do.

“Truly He is the Son of God!”

Today I am praising God for His hand on mine in the storm. For His protection from the wind. For walking me back into the boat and sitting there with me as we rock our way toward the shore, and for bringing His calm in the boat along with Him.

Standing Firm

Pondering steadfastness today, and planting my feet deep. As I morning and glance at the newsfeed to gather prayers, I see: Women in Combat may be Panetta’s Crowning Achievement. The first thing that my heart responded with was: Haven’t women always been in combat?

This unseen world we live within has been aiming weapons, erecting minefields and claiming territory since Eden. Women (and men) have been in combat forever. We’ve engaged in battles for our hearts, our future and our children. We’ve been in minor skirmishes and full-out mêlées for our minds, our marriages, for our friendships, for the sanctity of our homes, for the church.  While physical clashes of human armies begin, end, or remain at a low boil, critical battles for our hearts and minds are also ongoing.

Great battles are won by steadfastness. By commitment of troops. By resolve.

Before victory, there is deliberate gathering of intelligence so the enemy is known.

Apathy or inattention costs lives, and in this case, souls. Battle plans succeed by the commitment of troops and execution of the plan. They fail by indecisiveness, disregard for leadership, division of purpose.

 

 

Today I resolve to be steadfast.

 
My leader is steadfast, immovable, and is the One to make me so.Steadfast: fixed in direction; steadily directed, firm in

purpose, resolution, faith ; unwavering, as resolution, faith; firmly established dictionary.com

Have mercy upon me , O God, according to thy steadfast love… Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51 NIV

He will rout out the barriers in my heart and create a victorious spirit within me.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you.

 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:7ff

What God reminds me of today is that isolation in battle is not part of His plan. He and His armies are alongside me. Because I invite Him, He will engage in His holy work on my submissive heart and I will be steadfast, immovable, and planted firm. Some battles take a lifetime, but restoration will come.

So, I’m sticking to the battle plan today, trusting the intelligence and dwelling with the Holy Company.

And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹ To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen!

Who’s with us?

Walking Alongside (aka: I Think I’d Like to be a Zebra)

Have you ever watched pairs of people walking or running together? How about animal pairs in the natural world?  Did you ever wonder why they chose to be together rather than alone?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/04/mutually-beneficial-anima_n_391888.html?slidenumber=PJWWHk52T5w%3D&slideshow#slide_image

Now that I understand them better, I think I’d like to be a zebra or an oxpecker.

Today I am thinking about walking along this life path set before us, and how much sweeter it is and stronger I am when I have someone at my side.  Last night, in a group gathering for our church family, we discussed ways to develop bonds among us so that all of us can experience the sweetness and strength from spiritual companionship.

God, through Paul, calls us to this unifying journey. This journey with Him, toward eternal habitation with Him, is designed to prepare us for His Presence. Its blessings and trials, joys and frustrations, happiness and sorrows are all for our refinement—to bring out the best in us so that we fit wonderfully in our eternal home, as jewels in the crown of the King who made us. Because our Creator knows us perfectly, He has abundantly provided for us so that we complete the journey with success.

So who, exactly, walks with us on this path? Who runs beside us in joy or away from danger? Who stops with us when we stumble and offers balm for our broken hearts, waiting with us until we are ready to walk again?

Jesus walks with us.

“Lo, I am with you always, to the close of the age.” Matthew 28:19

 I will not leave you desolate; I will come to you…I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. John 14:18

 

His Holy Spirit is inseparable from us.

“I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Counselor, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth…for He dwells with you, and will be in you.”  John 14:15-17  He has given us of His own Spirit. 1 John 4:13

The Community of Believers is knit together by God’s love and design to help us.

“…we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by every joint with which it is supplied, when each part is working properly, makes bodily growth and upbuilds itself in love.”  Ephesians 4:15,16

He has never forsaken us, and indeed, has granted us more than “enough” companionship and encouragement. The questions are, I suppose,

Do we lay hold of it?

Do we offer it?

Do we praise God for it?

Today, and every day, let us remember

We are not alone.

Let us TAKE HOLD of the blessings of God in fellowship.

Let us BE the blessing of God in encouragement.

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NIV

We All Need Reminding

This morning my heart is dwelling on reminding, and how much the human heart needs it.

Reminders of how we are loved.

Reminders of how we are forgiven.

Reminders of how we are noticed.

Reminders of the joy, and sacrifice, and from where we get our strength.

 

It strikes me how much God, who created our very hearts, completely 

 

understands this about us and provides for this need. His word is woven with richly colored and repeated threads of remembrance–threads of love, Presence, empowerment, victory, care, forgiveness and acceptance. I am constantly in awe of the reminders He has chosen to preserve for us in His written record of love.

But the apostle John has me thinking this morning about another kind of reminding—one not rooted in Truth. A kind of reminding whose persistent, subtle tugging at our hearts would like to drown out Truth.

 

He writes “I write this to you about those who would deceive you…”

John understood that there is always an opposing force trying to deflect God’s holy reminders to our hearts.  To deceive means “to cause to stray, lead aside from the right way, to wander and roam about, to sever or fall away from the truth.” God has always known we need reminders to vanquish the deceit that is tossed our way every day, whose result is a wandering and roaming away from Him.

Just think for a minute, about the lies thrown at us daily…

You’re not good enough.

Without this you are not smart, or beautiful, or strong, or capable, or desirable.

 

Social connection determines your value.

You can’t overcome this rift in your relationship, the hurt runs too deep and too long.

More is better.

Newer is better.

This is too hard—bailing out is the only option.

Success in the workplace is evidenced by arrival at a hierarchy of involvement or power.

Faithfulness and connection to God is determined by  how many projects or committees you’re involved in, who you’re married to and how involved your children are.

 

But God says

“You have been anointed by the Holy One…” 1 Jn. 2:20

“…the anointing which you received from Him abides in you…” 1 Jn. 2:26

Yes, YOU and I have received this anointing!

The basic meaning of the Bible word “anoint” is “to pour on, smear all over or rub into. To be anointed by God is not only to be picked, but also to be empowered by Him for the task or position to which He has called you. K. Copeland

I am thinking about that smearing,–that Christ and His love, and the love of the Father is rubbed deeply into my skin, into my bones and muscles, into my heart and mind. It was rubbed with love on the day I was buried with Christ in baptism, and it

changed who I was and the truths that I now own.

Today I am reminded that my value, my power, my success, my conquering over life’s struggle—all of it comes from Him who anointed me and abides with me in a very real way that the Father of Lies does not.  I have no need for the falsehoods to take root because I am

Beloved       1 John 3:2

Capable       Philippians 4:13

Deeply desired       John 3:16

Strong       Psalm 20:6, 1 John 5:4,5

Forgiven         Psalm 86:5

Never alone     1 John 4:15

Let’s remind each other of these truths daily, with hugs and whispers into ears, with smiles and notes tucked into our hands, with Facebook postings, with e-mails, with unexpected texts and phone calls. With all that we have.

After all, we all need reminding.