It Matters

It’s a steady, pouring down of wet blessings day. The rain falls on the bay window roof and blesses my ears.

It’s a good day to finally remember, to reflect and cull some of the lessons woven into those long hard days of death-tending.

Sometimes, Death comes quickly—in a snatch–inevitable, but timing unexpected. With that, there is not so much the process of assisting the departure, but the business of head-clearing, heart-healing, cleaning up and figuring out the next moves forward.

Sometimes, Death breathes its heavy scent from far off, and dances off in the distance, circling slowly, moving closer with each pass.

I do not know the heart-wrenching lessons of losing a child or a beloved spouse that does not complete the prayerfully hoped for, statistically probable span of days. I do not have the fibers of steely strength woven into my spirit from surviving loss that is a result of a sin whip wielded by another in this fallen world. Others I know and love have those painfully won lessons.

I do, however, now hold the lessons of a daughter, who, together with her family, has had to shepherd an aged loved one through their worldly departure.

Death at an old age–91 in this case– is not a surprise. In fact, as minds and bodies give way, forcing major life changes and loss, it may come as a welcome relief. I believe God designed us for such an exit. Those thoughts are for another rainy day.

Today, I stand on the other side of grief and tending-exhaustion to exhort whoever listens.

You matter. In all my tunnel-visioned life challenges, you matter. And what you do and say matters.

* When you know you can’t fix the situation for me, but you offer a hug, or a smile, or a mutual tear—hurting when I hurt—it matters, and helps me feel still connected to my true life, even though I’ve abandoned it for days, or months, or even years to minister to my loved one.

*It matters, even though I probably won’t take you up on it, that you offer to sit with my loved one so I can work or take a break. When you sincerely offer to sacrifice your time, and I know I could call on you if needed, you offer a sense of relief.

*It matters when you prepare or buy a meal for me and my family. Even if our schedule or finances or time or family structure are available for us to manage putting together a meal, the fact that we don’t have to think about it and make yet another decision about what to buy or cook is a welcome  burden-lifter. Our mental energy is depleted with all the decisions of advocacy, comfort measures and family coordination. You have given us a gift when you offer a meal.

*It matters when you come and spend time with me. Take my lead and ask what I need. It’s okay if we divert the conversation to other things. My brain is tired of living in the dying. Watching an old TV show, playing a game, taking a walk, shopping—it gives my brain an opportunity to renew so I may continue the ministry I have to my family.

*It matters when you visit me and my loved one at their bedside—whether you knew them or not. It’s often awkward– who knows what to say in these situations? No one does. We don’t even know. So, relax and come. A loving face makes us feel less alone. And I remember that you came.

*Your cards matter, before and long after. If you are too busy to write one in the midst of dying, or the days immediately following my loss, write one in a week, or a month, or a year. (or all of that!) The continued encouragement you send is needed both during and long after the end.

*When you sacrifice your time and efforts and skills to serve at or attend the funeral, even if it is held outside of our church community, you have wrapped me in God’s love and reminded me of the home I have with Him and His people. You are Christ’s hands and feet to me, my family and the world.

You matter. What you do matters.

And whoever gives to one of these little ones even a cup of cold water because he is a disciple, truly, I say to you, he shall not lose his reward.  Matthew 10:42

If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. John 13:15

Lord, when did we see thee sick or in prison and visit thee? And the King will answer them, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.”  Matthew 25:40-41

Let us not grow weary of well-doing…let us do good to all men, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.  Galatians 6:9,10

When a Heart Needs Reminding

This morning, bathed in spring sunshine streaming in from the bay window, I am pondering the Easter story. In the corner sits a beautiful lily, whose white trumpets seem to herald the resurrection joy in every moment. I am reminded here, of what is always the Good News.

I wander through the pages, reliving each moment, with Mark, and with Luke. What can it have been like, to be there in the very moment of recognition (Luke 24:31), that Jesus was, is indeed, the Messiah–the bringer of Hope, and Forgiveness, and Healing of Relationship? The Balm that smooths over all our inevitable rough humanness. Surely, it was a wonderful moment.

It IS a wonderful moment, when He opens my eyes, and I recognize Him anew.

It is always a sweetness to my soul to remind myself of my redemption story. Fingering the worn grooves of the familiar grounds me. It cuts away the doing, the distraction—all that keeps me tethered to this earth, and lifts my heart again to Who claims me, and that wondrous deed of love.

We buried my earthly father this week, and I have been blessed in all of that. There is an abundance of heart-teaching that my Heavenly Father provided throughout, and when I can sort it all out, I will share. For today, however, the one lesson I savor is this:

We borrow a shell to live out the temporary. Our bodies, and our lives, are just, shall we say, leased for fleeting use.

I praise God, our Father, today, that there is more. There is Hope, and Healing, and great Fellowship to be had in the presence of God. I praise Him with a heart of joy, that in that first Easter moment, He changed everything!

Will you ponder the reminders with me today? Will you prepare your heart’s altar for tomorrow’s communion and praise?

The Lord has risen indeed!  Luke 24:34

Thus it is written, that the Christ should suffer and on the third day rise from the dead, and that repentance and forgiveness of sins should be preached in His name to all nations.  Luke 24:46

Psalm 68:3,4  Let the righteous be joyful; let them exult before God; let them be jubilant with joy!  Sing to God, sing praises to His name; lift up a song to him who rides upon the clouds;  his name is the Lord, exult before him!

Living a Life with the Designer in Mind

I am working hard at developing our Ladies’ Class study on worship.  My preparation focus today is developing a reminder of WHO we worship. I thought I’d begin a list of God’s attributes in an effort to understand WHO we proskuneo, to WHOM we ‘kiss toward’. All of this work is designed to grow us toward a more holy, acceptable worship that, through and because of Christ, satisfies our Heavenly Father.

The list will need to be a selected inventory—short and manageable for a 40 minute Sunday morning drink at the fountain of life. When I started the study, I knew I’d have to choose from the attributes of our amazing Father because the list would be nearly infinite. I couldn’t list everything that makes God worthy of worship, there are too many reasons. I knew this ahead of time. But now that I am here on the journey, how can I choose? How can I decided which characteristic of my amazing God is more or less worthy to meditate on? Is it His mercy or His love? Is it His artistry or His power? Is it His longing for us or His justice? I’ve started listing….and can’t stop! My poor Sisters—we could be spending the next years  dwelling on the WHO of God and drawing closer to Him as we seek to understand Him better! That’s not a bad way to spend our time together, I think. In truth, it would take more than a lifetime to pursue this exploration of God’s amazingness.

My head and heart are spinning, and in the middle of it all, He stops me. In the midst of study, His Spirit reaches out and grabs my heart with a verse that convicts my soul. I have no idea why He selects this verse. Today, He seems to be asking me to dwell on this one thing. Tomorrow I can move around to a different angle and see what He reveals to me about Himself from another side. Apparently, I have something to learn here today:

Ephesians 2:19-22  So then you are no longer strangers and sojourners, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure is joined together and grows into a holy temple in the Lord, in whom you also are built into it for a dwelling place of God in the Spirit.

God, OUR God, is a Holy Architect.

An architect is a deliberate designer, a planner, an artist. An architect designs buildings for a specific purpose, to satisfy the needs and desires of its occupant(s).

Not the ark any more, not the mercy seat. But me. Us. WE are where God dwells, lives, moves, stays. This truth always blows my mind. God’s dwelling place is not a place to where we go, but a body to which He comes.

An architect designs space and selects materials deliberately. God designs us with this singular purpose– that He will dwell with and abide in us, His place. HIS design is what satisfies He who dwells here.

Building materials are chosen to enhance the purpose of the space and to reflect the occupant. We are chosen, deliberately, ‘FOR a dwelling place of God in the Spirit.’  We don’t get to change the design, or reselect the materials, or redefine the purpose of this place, this structure. Our purpose has been chosen for us—to be part of what is ‘joined together’, in holiness (v. 21), to be a place of God.

How does this impact my worship, you might be asking? I should ask this. I am asking this.

*I am part of something bigger than myself, for God. (This is the Always Truth that He keeps laying before me.)

*I don’t get to choose who is also part of this dwelling place, He does.

*Materials are chosen for what they can contribute to the whole design. What is a fault or weakness in one piece is shored up and covered over by the strength of another. The whole design is made stronger by the unique attributes of each piece. Being JOINED TOGETHER (v. 21) is what makes it all work, and having a qualified craftsman putting it all together is paramount. I don’t even have to go there– God’s qualifications are indisputable.

*The purpose of my church family, both local and worldwide, is to satisfy HIS needs, desires and purposes– mine are secondary. I trust Him with mine and am confident in His promises to fulfill them, so much so, that I am determined to never focus on them again. (Philipians 4:19) The worldview seems to be to choose ‘church’ based on how it matches ones own needs, preferences, desires, satisfaction. This is contrary to the Design.

*Since God dwells among us, in this place He’s crafted, we had better make sure the ‘house’ is in order while we live and while we worship. And by ‘house’, He means heart–the heart of His church.

There’s more here, I know, there always is. For now, however, I am pondering how this can draw me, draw us closer in worship.

I challenge you to start your own list, and see where God stops you along the way. As well, I challenge you to worship and live a life of worship (Romans 12:1,2) with the Holy Architect in mind.

Meanwhile, enjoy the One with whom you abide.

Perhaps it’s Work

Some of what I have been reading lately is about choosing a word to focus the coming year. As the year unfolds, the selected word becomes a theme for action, for meditation, for spiritual growth.

I don’t know how I’d choose.

Peace? Unity? Courage? Love?

How about Radical? That word seems trendy and edgy and designed to garner attention.

Joy? Who doesn’t need more joy invited into their life, and wading deeply into the abiding joy of God is always an adventure.

Now there’s an exciting one: Adventure! The very sound of it has me thinking of an Indiana Jones type of year, wrestling spiritual demons into submission, moving myself into new circles of friends and work, taking risks to share the gospel.

But wait…the Spirit is nudging me a bit here…

How about Work? Now there’s a word that does not offer up any enticement to someone looking for a Spirit-filled year of growth and excitement. In the library of shelves weighed down with the potential of words, all lined up with promise and anticipation, Work is somewhat shoved toward the back. Its spine is dusty, and it leans dejectedly upon its neighbor, Works– a word that hasn’t been slid from the shelf in a very long time. In fact, the other words have been carefully arranged to almost obscure that one’s title from view, as though to ensure that it is passed over. It used to be selected frequently. In fact, so frequently that multiple copies were kept and a waiting list made. There arose a problem when the same people kept taking them out, time after time. Arguments would ensue at the circulation desk when patrons would refuse to take out its companion volume because the F section was too far away and Faith was harder to understand, requiring more effort and time.

But I digress.

Poor Work suffers from guilt by association. Next to the pariah of Works, all for a singular s, Work gets an averted glance as well. It doesn’t sound…inspiring…or easy. It sounds, well, like work.

Sometimes the best books in the library are the ones that have the homeliest covers, the ones that have been around a long time. These are the ones that are shoved in the back and are decorated with a fine layer of dust. Within the old-fashioned mortar boards, sprinkled on the yellowed pages, are the most intricate of stories. Rich with detail, and less about splash and trend and popular themes, these stories build slowly, steadily, poetically, and wrap themselves around readers’ hearts. They pull you into ancient places and times. And leave you both satisfied and wanting more.

Work.

And on the seventh day God finished His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done. So God blessed the seventh day and hallowed it, because on it God rested from all His work from which He had done in creation. Genesis 2:2-3 RSV

The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to till it and keep it. Genesis 2:15 RSV

Till it. Work it. Dress it. The Complete Jewish Bible says “to cultivate and care for it.”

Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for God is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.  Philippians 2:12,13.

Three times in that verse that word appears.

Work. Good enough for Adonai to participate in fully. Good enough for Adam to be gifted by our Creator with the life purpose of work, let alone a year’s focus. Work. A command and critical component to our salvation.

But notice, there’s Someone there alongside us as we work. While we work with a seriousness of task and respect for its importance, God is already up before dawn, tinkering, toiling, and kneading the dough of our hearts. He’s shifting and repairing and gifting—and He invites us to…EXPECTS  us… to join Him in the work He’s already begun.

Joy, Peace, and Adventure are all worthy themes–all avenues of blessing and growth. But did you notice? They’re all nouns. Radical—well, that’s an adjective, a description of a life attitude. Again, a worthy heart lens to take up, but for a moment, let’s consider Work. It’s a verb. A call to action. An action modeled for us by Jehovah Himself and His Son. An action that is a partnership. A partnership in the care and cultivation of our hearts.

There’s more to this, I know, but for now I am pondering Work.

I am pondering how I will cultivate and care for my salvation, the gift I have received from my Holy and generous God.

Lost Things and Lessons Along the Way

I have just spent the last 25 minutes scurrying around looking for something. I hate to lose things, and I lose things often. I spend a lot of my time in the classroom wondering where I laid something down– the thing that was just in my hand a moment ago before I got interrupted by a student, or a coworker, or another thought about the other five things that I should be doing instead of what I am doing. Losing things instantly disrupts the calm, peaceful, patient and methodical me I have prayed into being at the start of the day. Usually this happens within the first five minutes of having arrived at school.

Today I was looking for CDs. Three brand new CDs, in fact, that I received from my loving husband at Christmas. I looked everywhere—car, study, living room, kitchen, my son’s room. He’s away at college and is always taking things and I think I remember seeing him with a CD case in hand while he was here over the holiday and boy, is he going to get it if I message him about where it is and he has it with him at school!…sigh…you know how it is. You are so irritated with yourself that you blame and pile all the anxiety of not having your life together onto someone else.

I found the CDs. Actually, it was my dear husband who found them. He looked in the drawer of our coffee table and found all three. “What made you look there?” I asked. “It was the logical place,” he replied. Grrr…Now the joy of having found is tainted.  I have absolutely no memory of having put them there, but that means nothing. Someone, me or one of the kids, probably put them there to get them out of the way for our New Year’s Eve church gathering. That’s irrelevant really, though there is a dark corner of my heart that still wants to find the culprit and blame them for the half hour of stress they caused…Another sigh. That is why I still need grace and am grateful for it. The spiritual battle for my heart rages on.

Here’s the interesting thing:

While I was frantically searching, God was busy teaching.

Why, I asked myself, can’t I just let this go and go back to my cup of morning coffee and rest confidently in the assurance that the CDs will show up at some future moment in time? My answer is this: I had a plan. A plan for my morning. Quiet time with God, and then attack the long and tedious task of completing report cards, with music providing a soothing background. Now my plan is wrecked. Also, these CDs were gifts from my husband-a demonstration of his love. Losing them was more than irritating. To me, everything is symbolic. The symbolism here is that they represented gifts of love from my life partner, and losing them makes it seem as though I don’t value the gifts, or the giver. Another issue here is the anxiety that eats away at me every time I misplace something or can’t remember what I’ve done from one moment to the next. Having a parent with Alzheimer’s will do that to you. Every memory lapse is viewed as precursor to the genetically predestined dementia. And the last layer of emotional turmoil caused by lost items? The frustration and anxiety it provokes concerning how there is not enough time in my life to be the organized person I truly am at heart. Every small incident opens the floodgate to the swirling waters of responsibility in dangerous (or so it seems) disarray. The disorder eats at me. It’s not who I want to be, but life shoots past at such an alarming rate, I don’t have time to stop and reorder.

Life is not tidy. It’s not orderly. Or slow. It’s unpredictable, and far out of my control.  Both the joys and the sorrows do not come in neat, orderly packages that I can remove from a shelf when I am ready for them.

The lessons from this morning?

*God is the Great Giver of all things. Remember not to lose His gifts in the busyness of Life (which, incidentally, is one of His precious gifts). Hold onto them. Carve out special places for them in time and be aware of where they are always. Some of His gifts that most deserve this are salvation, freedom to worship, precious church family, His word, prayerful communication, opportunities to serve and others to grow spiritually, family, Bible study.  Value these gifts by giving them attention and making them a part of our lives. By this we show we value the Giver.

*Remember that God often has other uses for our time or seasons than what we have planned. Because He is the constant, this should not rock us. Trust His redirection.

*Be anxious in nothing.

Numbers 33:53 “and you shall take possession of the land and settle in it, for I have given the land to you to possess it.” (Surely THAT was a gift that resulted in a big “To-Do” list!)

  “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…”

Ephesians 1:3ff  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places…

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
Philippians 4:5-7

Selecting the Gifts

I’ve been on a quest for months now. The longer I walk with God, the more I desire to return the love He lavishes on me. The more time I spend involved in a church community, the more I desire us to corporately make our worship more, for lack of a better word, worshipful. More holy, I guess. More about our Lord and less about us…or me. More what God, the Receiver, desires and less what I, or we, think He desires. And less about filling me up, and more about emptying.

I am surrounded by a culture absorbed with the idea that to celebrate the ultimate Gift given to humankind, one does a parallel service of material gifting to loved ones.  It’s a beautiful concept, really, despite the excessive glitz and bangles that come with it. The concept is true, and right. It’s a demonstration of love, and being so, it is very much what God does with us. Being created in His image, like Him, we have a heart with a great capacity to love and appreciate being loved. It is natural that we would want to demonstrate that love with whatever means we have.

I am an uncomfortable gifter. I love giving. I am grateful for the opportunity to give. I desire to give, but when it comes down to the actual choosing and committing to a gift, I often am full of indecision, awkwardness, self-doubt, and procrastination.  I function best when someone gives me a list, or voices a specific desire. Then I know the receiver will be satisfied. They will receive what they want, not what I think they want or need. The gift will reflect them, and my knowledge of who they are.

So back to my ponderings about worship…

I found a list.

Matthew 9:13  Go and LEARN what this means (said by Jesus to the Pharisees when He was sitting with tax collectors and sinners)  “I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.”

Hosea 6:6 I desire STEADFAST LOVE and not sacrifice, the KNOWLEDGE OF GOD, not burnt offerings.

In Hebrew, the word meaning knowledge of God is da’ath– understanding, discernment

And steadfast love– loyalty, goodness, kindness, faithfulness

Micah 6: 8  He has showed you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God.

My journey these past months continues to be marked by these signposts.

I have a list.

God specifically expresses what He most desires, what He expects, what fills Him up, what pleases Him. God lets me know what returns His love to Him.

My preparations for each holiday,

each holy day,

which is every first day,

every day,

can be to craft these gifts out of my heart and life and offer them up as I work, play, celebrate, mourn, serve and come together with His church.

On the last day of the week, I can be preparing my heart for the first day of the week. Walking through the common doors,

I can approach our family time of worship

                                    with a heart of giving,

                                               of lifting up,

                                                        of emptying out.

I can commit to approaching corporate worship time as a time of giving, not of gathering in. I can do this, because I trust God to know exactly what I need. I give up filling myself and confidently leave that to Him, who never disappoints.

I have received full payment and have more than enough. I am amply supplied, now that I have received … the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:18,19

Knowing

A question was asked of my church family recently. “What do we want to study in Bible class?”

I am wondering if perhaps a better question is, “What does God want us to study?” A verse in Hosea keeps nagging at me.

Hosea 6:6 I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the KNOWLEDGE OF GOD, not burnt offerings.

The knowledge of God. Can it be that after all these years of living, of choosing Christ, of attempts at righteous living, of serving, we think we know God and that there is nothing left to uncover? As in our marriages, friendships, and parenting, do we think we are so familiar with each other that there is nothing new left to learn? With wood, the varied tones, the life marking rings-its character-become more evident with the handling of oiled hands that turn and stroke it, and eyes that study its story. In our walk with God, do we pursue only what is new and forget the value of running our hands over the knots and streaks of polished wood, deliberately crafted and worn by time?

When I am truthful with myself, I know that there are parts of me, still, that I have not revealed to my husband, my friends, my children. For whatever reason—lack of opportunity, time, situation, need, fear—I have kept some parts of me back. Sometimes it’s because I believe they will have no appreciation or understanding of these guarded heart crevices—a hidden talent, desires, hope, wisdom, hurt, disappointment, fear. Other times it’s just not the right time. Every now and again, though, someone peeks under the crevices’ cloak, and dares to take time to explore and draw close–to know me in this way. The bonding that comes with knowing another, that knitting of hearts together, is stronger than any physical binding. It fortifies the relationship and empowers its work.

So, the answer to this question, “What do we want to study?”, can it be Jehovah Himself? Can we dig deeply, ingesting the holy words that reveal WHO He is, by watching HOW He is; how He speaks and moves, who He calls, how He decides? By pursuing a knowledge of Him, can we fall in love all over again, more deeply, more steadfastly? Will we be compelled then, to walk more humbly with Him?

The holy, worn and living wood of His word calls us to turn it over and over again in our heart hands. To stroke and study. To know and understand.

“Let him who glories glory in this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who practice steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth, for in these things I delight, says the Lord.” Jeremiah 9:24